Oh how nice the quiet feels. And not just the momentary quiet while I have a few moments of peace, but the internal quiet as well that comes from the long, hard road fighting for peace of mind. Today I am there. I've put a check in the box next to, actually believe that everything is going to be okay, and I find myself yearning for even more emotional strength, even more order, even more hope. It's not always easy but life is much simpler when you try not to worry...or should I say when you try harder to trust that there is a greater plan than just this, than just the here and now. I don't want to be here in this place, mentally or physically, forever but while I'm here I don't want to run from anything. I want to try my best to feel what it's like to break yourself free from the chaos and find order in the disorganized. That right there, that feeling that you get when you look back on where you were and see the changes to where you are now, THAT feeling is weakness overcome. That feeling is the right kind of pride. The pride that doesn't boast or tempt you to be selfish, but the pride that comes from knowing what rock-bottom tough times feel like and finding yourself now, on higher ground.

I've been reading a lot lately. It's been my one escape, my guilty pleasure, and have found it particularly interesting what I've learned through the study of one's temperament. The most revealing thing about forcing myself to be introspective is that I'm not necessarily who I always thought myself to be. I am recognizing that I am a lot more emotional than I ever thought myself to be and am happily more aware of the impact that my relationships have on my life. To that end, I'm also now struggling with what comes with a new found self awareness and that is to accept what it is about yourself that has yet to be examined and let yourself grow. Who would I rather be? How would I rather be? What do I want people to say about who I've cultivated myself to be and where do I hope to find myself, when faced with similar difficult decisions down the road? Because in essence that is all life is. A series of experiences strung together to teach you lessons, to help you grow, to become a better you. Sounds cliche doesn't it? A better you!? I'd like to be a better me and as each day passes, that voice inside my head that nags and tells me I'll never be any better gets quieter and quieter. The voice that says there's no point in starting fresh amidst too much chaos is losing out to the side of me that knows how to convince myself otherwise. I find myself proud to have chosen to let this opportunity challenge me and force me to grow. Where I am not perfect, I hope to be able to say I made up my imperfections in an honest and continuous effort towards a better life.

And my girls help that. They are the reason I strive so hard to be better. They are the reason, even when I fail, that I stand up and choose to learn. What does the rest of my life look like? I don't know. But I know that right now and as often as I choose it to be my focus, it is full of sweet, little girls who know nothing but amazement for this big, scary world I sometimes get caught up in. It's time to really focus in on seeing life through the eyes of my beautiful baby girls. They keep things in perspective. They keep things in focus. And they remind me always that love is what life is really all about.