I am tired. I am so tired not only can I see the bags under my eyes...I can feel 'em. I've never had bags. Not even in those new baby months where you're up every thirty minutes, if not feeding a beautiful babes, you're making sure she's breathing sweetly. What is it about being emotionally exhausted that can suck the life out of you physically. That can make even an eight hour sleep feel like thirty minutes...of utterly pathetic, crappy sleep. I've been nursing sick babes, wiping snotty noses, feeling hot foreheads for the last two weeks...all the while pumping MYSELF with Vit C willing myself not to get sick...motivating myself with a 'you can't afford it Sara' 'you've got to do it all'. Ah but life...life forced me to stop. I felt the tickle in my throat and I realized that I can't control it all, I can't go, go, go without my body telling me holllddddd up a second.

And then the most magical thing happened. I plopped myself down on the couch, nook and cup of tea in hand to hear an overjoyed Sophia beg me to come watch her...'Come see what I can do Mama!!' Take a bike, with no training wheels and a beautiful sunny February day and look at how amazingly perfect one simple moment can be for the soul. It worked wonders. I would have cried if she wasn't watching me so intently, just to make sure I was seeing it...my big girl riding a bycycle for the very first time, all alone. It was a big moment for her. A spring to a life of independence...much like her little sister walking but beautifully different...because for Sophia, this bit of independence took mastering a challenge that she was conscious of. And as follows, the beautiful pride you feel once it's been mastered. She wanted to ride, ride, ride and I took video after video, picture after picture...marking this day, this moment, marking this FEELING of motherly pride. I'm sick I tell you...the couch had an imprint of my body beckoning me to come back home but I stood out there watching her go, go go. Moments like these recharge me. They reaffirm my belief in love, in hard work, in the ebbs and flows of life. I felt high on life the rest of the day. God gave me a beautiful moment to soothe my soul and I am grateful.

I am passionate. I'm too mushy. I cry too often and I probably take little moments like these too far with my sappy feelings and 'what this says about life' stuff. I'm what I am, and I'm what I'm not...but I'm sure happy with what I've got. I live to love and I laugh a lot and isn't that all you really need. Life's tough man...it knocks you down. It brings pain and sorrow and gut-wrenching sadness that can shake you to your core. It wrinkles your skin and puffs up your eyes and leaves you sick, sick, sick...the manifestation of being too tired, too challenged. But as I've said before and my goodness do I believe it with my whole heart...life is really simple. Life, to me, is about love. Life is about these simple moments that you work so hard for. Those moments that force you to see things as simply as they are. Simply beautiful. Like facing a challenge and riding a bike...and feeling like a child again, just for watching, for witnessing it...and storing it in that place in your soul that you know you can turn to when times get tough. That place that makes you feel so good.

I'm in a complicated place. My heart feels broken and I don't feel at my best. I feel kicked in the gut and then kicked again and again...sucker punched when I'm down. Mentally, I tell myself every morning that I can do it, that my break will come, that I'm stronger than I think I am. Is it selfish to say that I'm tired of things being tough? That I am tired of worrying? Tired of never feeling good enough? Tired of forcing myself to believe that I'm tough. But I tell you...I'll never be too tired of trying. I'll never be too tired of looking for the brightside. What I know is I have a purpose...two very beautiful reasons to be my very best...to try my very best. It's amazing how one moment can make days and days of hard work so very worth it. It's amazing how one moment strips me of my pain...peals it off layer by layer until I'm left with the reasons why I love so hard, why I believe that love is always worth the risk...my girls. And they love me back. Unconditionally. At my best and at my very worst. And they're happy. They smile and they laugh and with every burst of happiness, there-in lies my strength. So maybe I am a hell of a lot stronger than I think. I am so madly in love with my girls.