Oh how nice the quiet feels. And not just the momentary quiet while I have a few moments of peace, but the internal quiet as well that comes from the long, hard road fighting for peace of mind. Today I am there. I've put a check in the box next to, actually believe that everything is going to be okay, and I find myself yearning for even more emotional strength, even more order, even more hope. It's not always easy but life is much simpler when you try not to worry...or should I say when you try harder to trust that there is a greater plan than just this, than just the here and now. I don't want to be here in this place, mentally or physically, forever but while I'm here I don't want to run from anything. I want to try my best to feel what it's like to break yourself free from the chaos and find order in the disorganized. That right there, that feeling that you get when you look back on where you were and see the changes to where you are now, THAT feeling is weakness overcome. That feeling is the right kind of pride. The pride that doesn't boast or tempt you to be selfish, but the pride that comes from knowing what rock-bottom tough times feel like and finding yourself now, on higher ground.

I've been reading a lot lately. It's been my one escape, my guilty pleasure, and have found it particularly interesting what I've learned through the study of one's temperament. The most revealing thing about forcing myself to be introspective is that I'm not necessarily who I always thought myself to be. I am recognizing that I am a lot more emotional than I ever thought myself to be and am happily more aware of the impact that my relationships have on my life. To that end, I'm also now struggling with what comes with a new found self awareness and that is to accept what it is about yourself that has yet to be examined and let yourself grow. Who would I rather be? How would I rather be? What do I want people to say about who I've cultivated myself to be and where do I hope to find myself, when faced with similar difficult decisions down the road? Because in essence that is all life is. A series of experiences strung together to teach you lessons, to help you grow, to become a better you. Sounds cliche doesn't it? A better you!? I'd like to be a better me and as each day passes, that voice inside my head that nags and tells me I'll never be any better gets quieter and quieter. The voice that says there's no point in starting fresh amidst too much chaos is losing out to the side of me that knows how to convince myself otherwise. I find myself proud to have chosen to let this opportunity challenge me and force me to grow. Where I am not perfect, I hope to be able to say I made up my imperfections in an honest and continuous effort towards a better life.

And my girls help that. They are the reason I strive so hard to be better. They are the reason, even when I fail, that I stand up and choose to learn. What does the rest of my life look like? I don't know. But I know that right now and as often as I choose it to be my focus, it is full of sweet, little girls who know nothing but amazement for this big, scary world I sometimes get caught up in. It's time to really focus in on seeing life through the eyes of my beautiful baby girls. They keep things in perspective. They keep things in focus. And they remind me always that love is what life is really all about.

I am tired. I am so tired not only can I see the bags under my eyes...I can feel 'em. I've never had bags. Not even in those new baby months where you're up every thirty minutes, if not feeding a beautiful babes, you're making sure she's breathing sweetly. What is it about being emotionally exhausted that can suck the life out of you physically. That can make even an eight hour sleep feel like thirty minutes...of utterly pathetic, crappy sleep. I've been nursing sick babes, wiping snotty noses, feeling hot foreheads for the last two weeks...all the while pumping MYSELF with Vit C willing myself not to get sick...motivating myself with a 'you can't afford it Sara' 'you've got to do it all'. Ah but life...life forced me to stop. I felt the tickle in my throat and I realized that I can't control it all, I can't go, go, go without my body telling me holllddddd up a second.

And then the most magical thing happened. I plopped myself down on the couch, nook and cup of tea in hand to hear an overjoyed Sophia beg me to come watch her...'Come see what I can do Mama!!' Take a bike, with no training wheels and a beautiful sunny February day and look at how amazingly perfect one simple moment can be for the soul. It worked wonders. I would have cried if she wasn't watching me so intently, just to make sure I was seeing it...my big girl riding a bycycle for the very first time, all alone. It was a big moment for her. A spring to a life of independence...much like her little sister walking but beautifully different...because for Sophia, this bit of independence took mastering a challenge that she was conscious of. And as follows, the beautiful pride you feel once it's been mastered. She wanted to ride, ride, ride and I took video after video, picture after picture...marking this day, this moment, marking this FEELING of motherly pride. I'm sick I tell you...the couch had an imprint of my body beckoning me to come back home but I stood out there watching her go, go go. Moments like these recharge me. They reaffirm my belief in love, in hard work, in the ebbs and flows of life. I felt high on life the rest of the day. God gave me a beautiful moment to soothe my soul and I am grateful.

I am passionate. I'm too mushy. I cry too often and I probably take little moments like these too far with my sappy feelings and 'what this says about life' stuff. I'm what I am, and I'm what I'm not...but I'm sure happy with what I've got. I live to love and I laugh a lot and isn't that all you really need. Life's tough man...it knocks you down. It brings pain and sorrow and gut-wrenching sadness that can shake you to your core. It wrinkles your skin and puffs up your eyes and leaves you sick, sick, sick...the manifestation of being too tired, too challenged. But as I've said before and my goodness do I believe it with my whole heart...life is really simple. Life, to me, is about love. Life is about these simple moments that you work so hard for. Those moments that force you to see things as simply as they are. Simply beautiful. Like facing a challenge and riding a bike...and feeling like a child again, just for watching, for witnessing it...and storing it in that place in your soul that you know you can turn to when times get tough. That place that makes you feel so good.

I'm in a complicated place. My heart feels broken and I don't feel at my best. I feel kicked in the gut and then kicked again and again...sucker punched when I'm down. Mentally, I tell myself every morning that I can do it, that my break will come, that I'm stronger than I think I am. Is it selfish to say that I'm tired of things being tough? That I am tired of worrying? Tired of never feeling good enough? Tired of forcing myself to believe that I'm tough. But I tell you...I'll never be too tired of trying. I'll never be too tired of looking for the brightside. What I know is I have a purpose...two very beautiful reasons to be my very best...to try my very best. It's amazing how one moment can make days and days of hard work so very worth it. It's amazing how one moment strips me of my pain...peals it off layer by layer until I'm left with the reasons why I love so hard, why I believe that love is always worth the risk...my girls. And they love me back. Unconditionally. At my best and at my very worst. And they're happy. They smile and they laugh and with every burst of happiness, there-in lies my strength. So maybe I am a hell of a lot stronger than I think. I am so madly in love with my girls.

I want to have the type of home that Thanks God before every meal.

I want to have a cookie jar always filled with cookies and I want to see little hands reach into that cookie jar...even if I have to swat them away.

I want to have a big comfortable place for the people that I love to gather...to laugh, to cry, to share, to relax.

I want to have a home that always has a bottle of wine and an open door for my friends.

I want to have a bedroom that forces me to relax...that spoils me a little...that helps me think and recharge.

I want to decorate in teals, and pinks and purples and taupes and I want to have flowers...lots of 'em.

I want to see pictures all around my house and with those pictures, I want to stop and consciously think of the memories that follow, every chance I get.

I want to have tons of cookbooks in my kitchen, because the love that goes into trying a new recipe is worth the extra dishes and busy dinner-prep.

I want to remember Holidays and celebrate them...from Halloween to Christmas...and Valentine's Day to St. Nick's and everything in between. Because you doesn't love a celebration? And that is what makes family traditions...and my girls deserve that.

I want my home to be an open place. A place where all feelings are allowed. A place where it is safe to express yourself. For yes, times can be good. But times can also be hard and I want my home to be a place of comfort in those times.

I want big elaborate dinners with lots of dishes and fancy china for no reason.

I want pancakes on a wednesday, just because.

I want a big ol' jar to put happy memories in so that when those times are tough I can read them and there will not be an excuse in the world not to smile.

I want to drink wine from big, oversized and indulgent wine glasses and have my girl friends over for martini's and margaritas...in overly fancy glasses too, just because we can.

I want to paint and I want to paint in girly girl pastels.

I want a fridge full of pictures and and pantry full of goodies.

I want to do more things myself...like handpainting a rocking chair...or making an ottoman. It makes me feel proud to have worked hard and that's a nice way to feel.

And most importantly, I want my girls to have a home where they feel loved. Where dishes are never more important than snuggles and laundry never more important than a nice hot bath.

She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future. ~Proverbs 31:25



Simplicity.

I like things that aren't too complicated and I really like the idea of living simply. I admire those that don't need much to be happy...that don't need much to be beautiful. I sat today at an anything but peaceful mall playground and watched my little loves, my set of sisters play. Playing has taken on a new meaning for my littlest who is just getting the hang of walking and I found myself drifting off into dreamland watching the two of them interact. I was at peace. I mean think about it...really think about what was going through their minds. Alessandra's biggest worry was how many times she was going to go down the slide and Sophia...my goodness...I don't even think she HAD a care in the world. It was soul food for me. So simple...some may say trivial but I had a MOMENT and I really like how that moment made me feel. I shot out a quick email to my Auntie to mark the moment as happened and made a big ol' mental note to blog about what's the greater good here...what made this my moment. I'm in a different place these days...a place where I'm sort of in a way searching for something deeper, something greater for myself and my girls. I'm eerily aware of the passing time more than I feel I've ever been and I want to enjoy the moments...small or big...and really LIVE every moment, feeling happy and content. I like how simple it feels to watch my girls play. I like how watching them makes me feel centered and focused. I like sitting back and watching Alessandra take steps on her own and seeing how sometimes she looks back for me but also how sometimes she doesn't even need me...she looks for her sister. Nobody told me how special that was going to feel. It is really nice for this mama to see...the importance of family playing out. It is so refreshing and brings me back to all things simple. What is important in life is that my girls are growing well and healthy...that they're happy...that they feel loved. Everything else pales in comparison. And everything else can be gone without. My girls' happiness, simply couldn't.

You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

Have you seen 'The Help'? My sister Mary bought it for me for Christmas and I could not tear my eyes away. I'm usually not a big fan of 'time' pieces and didn't think that this type of movie would draw me in but my goodness, it did. I found myself noticing, studying, analyzing a lot about how life was 'way back when' most especially what is was like to be a mama and was fascinated with how different (read backwards) things were. I sensed an extremely powerful underlying theme in this movie of the power that lies in CONFIDENT women and that theme played out in one African American maid and 'her' white little baby. Every morning, the maid would repeat to this little girl 'You is kind. You is smart. You is important' and little Annabelle would repeat it back, right along with her. Now, I've read lots of books and I've seen lots of girly movies and I've always loved when a daughter remembers a line her mama used to say...a phrase or a mantra that really stuck with her and spoke to her subconscious when she didn't expect it. A line that adds to her confidence...that boosts her self-esteem. A line that adds to her belief that no matter where life takes her, her mama is always with her and I really enjoyed seeing this play out in 'The Help'. Isn't it every mama's hope for her daughter, that she has the confidence, the self-worth, to believe that she can do anything that she sets her mind to. It starts with walking doesn't it? The first steps of independence quite literally and the actuality that life is possible to be explored and navigated without your mama. It begins with the confidence that you can STAND! But where does that confidence come from? I like to believe that hearing someone tell you every single day that you are SMART, that you are KIND and that you are IMPORTANT is an exceptional way to build confidence in a growing girl...a confidence to FLY through life and to do it the right way. It's been heavy on my mind as I watch my Sophia grow. I see an innocence that is so carefree and SO confident. There are so few insecurities in this stage of my my bold and daring independent girl and I love celebrating that. It's the bright side to the big girl's stubborn streak. It's the lovely silver lining to her hard head, I want what I want when I want it self. I want to be one of those moms that says something important and special to my girls every day, something that I can repeat and emphasize...so that when they keep growing and hit things in life that have them shakin' in their boots, they can hear me and know that I believe in them and to trust just how smart they are. It's how I channel my greatest strength. I like to be that way myself. When things get tough and I need to hear my best friends, I do. I hear them all in my head because they've cared enough to take the time to give me a boost of confidence. And with confidence, you can do so much. You'll understand that trying and failing is better than not trying at all. You won't need to feel pressured to do something you don't want to do because you're confident in your values and most importantly not worried about what others will think of you. You will stand up and be KIND even when it's not easy or maybe even not cool. You'll believe that no matter what life throws at you, you have the strength and the ability to persevere...to push forward. It's a beautiful thing confidence is. And it makes even the most beautiful of girls extraordinary.

I cling to quotes, to sayings, to anything that shakes me to my core...makes me feel deeply. Because I love to feel deeply...even if it's painful because for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction and for every ounce of pain there is an ounce of joy. And by God does my ounce of JOY outweigh my ounce of pain. My goal in the new year is to pick out, sift through and write about the values in life that I find MOST important...the values and principles of life that I want my girls to remember when the going gets tough. I wish I could promise that for them, the going will never get too tough but that's not life is it? No matter how hard I try. The best I can do is to give them the tools they need to have a deep rooted confidence in their ability to live well. Maybe I need a little mantra. Scratch that. I definitely need a little mantra for my beauties. Something I can repeat to myself and them every day. It'll connect us forever, near or far and I like that. I really like that.

To new beginnings!!!

I like the way life flows after I take a little bit of time to write, to collect my thoughts. I'm happier, my mind is healthier and I'm left with something to look back on, to study, to analyze and to become a better me. I am in full fledged Mommy mode and I love it. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm watching a youngin' take her first steps and become confident in herself, making her way in this world...quite literally. At my side, mostly at all times, I've got a beautifully growing four year old who absolutely, positively loves life, something that I am so very proud of and something that I myself love learning from. And I, on most days, sit in the middle of the two most beautiful things that I have ever laid eyes on and try with everything I have  to embrace every single moment...the good and the bad...the tiring and the tedious...the joyful and the hilarious...it's absolutely beautiful, this crazy life and I do not want to miss a second.

So where comes the need to write, to clear, to clarify. I yearn for a fabulous beginning to the year 2012. I am constantly striving for perfection in the imperfect and I find a refreshing sort of motivation in a clean slate or a new beginning. I have an intense desire to evolve and change and never want to let myself settle for what is comfortable, what is easy. I love the finality of documenting an extension of the mind, to give a thought a space, a place to breathe and grow...the option to analyze what is it about life that I love and what it is about life that I want to change. Writing gives me that option to look back and reflect. More importantly, writing gives me the option to look back on my moments with my girls in a beautiful way.

So it's January 21st. Two days after my Sophia's fourth birthday. It's ironic how strongly I feel the need to document and make resolutions more so on Sophia's birthday than on the eve of a New Year. I like what that says about where my need for clarity and change comes from. To me it means it's coming from a good place, from an honest place that stems from the celebration of my big girl and my subconscious need to never settle for less than I'm capable of. As a mom isn't that in essence what we all want for ourselves, our children?

So, let me first identify for myself what this space will be for me. My first goal is not to limit myself in anything that I do, starting with this. It's a great habit to get myself into...'the limitless setting of goals'. I want this space to have as many facets as I need it to. I am excited to write again...I'm excited to feel the satisfaction that comes after I write and use the clarity that writing brings to keep striving for a more positive tomorrow. So here we go.....